My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
