omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
