i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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