I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Randomize
