I'm going to jail i love you
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
