I should be sponsored by Trojan
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Dick very happy bro
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
