Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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