Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Randomize
