trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
