mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
