when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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