Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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