I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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