yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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