A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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