I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Randomize
