So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
