i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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