i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
