I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
everyone is single if you try hard enough
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Randomize
