I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
