Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
