the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
