I'm lost and stupid without you.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
