You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Randomize
