Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
