I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
