I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
talk about how much treatments for your hpv hurts
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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