Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
