shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Your cock deserves a montage
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Randomize
