how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
There's always time for handjobs
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
