I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
