whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
You ruined the universe
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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