Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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