You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Randomize
