Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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