I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
