Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
