I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
My vagina just recognized that song.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
