Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
