I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
