I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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