just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
