i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
