Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
