Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
well I can't set my house on fire every night
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
