there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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