My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
