Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
