I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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