I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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